People, Expectations, and What It’s Worth

So a little over two years ago, I started planning to live out my dream en France. There I was, sitting in my room, budgeting costs and choosing a program. I remember myself so vividly. Quiet, guarded, sad, innocent, naïve, a loner, and so in need of adventure. I was that chick that would take notes in school and hate whenever someone would make conversation about anything, because I was awkward as hell. No best friends, no clique to gossip with. Just ‘kinda friends’ with people I got along with. And I remember thinking to myself that by letting no one in, I’d avoid drama, and hurt, and uncomfortable situations. Granted, I was right. The most drama I ever had was my lab partner not helping with a project, or getting hit in the face with a baseball (which was actually quite dramatic in my opinion). But deep down, I knew I was missing something. What’s life if there’s no one to share it with? SO, that night in my room, it was decided that I would VIVE EN FRANCE. In my eyes, it was a chance to start over and learn and grow. And if you think it was an extended vacation, you are no longer welcome on this blog, ass hole. But yeah, so it was one of the best challenges of my life.

Now this entry isn’t to talk about France necessarily. But it’s to show how it kick-started my somewhat interesting life and to show the change around me and the people I’m so grateful for. (Run-on sentence, oh well)

Alright, so imagine a roller coaster (I know totally cliché, but deal with it). As you’re expecting, that roller coaster represents my life. I spent the majority of my life stuck in line. I showed up in that line with family. Like, my parents, brothers, cousins, grandparents. I finally hopped on when I went to France. So, remember, this would be the first time I would have ever been on a roller coaster, and I have no idea what to expect. Just like when I went to France. I had such crazy expectations. Like, “OMG, Imma have so many stylish bffs and imma kiss French boys allllll day long. I can toats see myself going to cafes and coming back to America with an accent!” HA. Yeah, nope. Just no, no, and no. But you know what? I’m glad it wasn’t like that. My reality was so much better(and realistic). I met all these people who seriously had huge impacts on my morals and thoughts and such. I’m beyond grateful. But that experience only brought me half-way up the first hill, where I was stuck impatiently awaiting something either something dreadful or amazing. I still hadn’t fallen and started my future or had some dramatic growth in my personality or something. But I learned how important people are to me, even if all I did was listen and never speak and they were only strangers.

In the past two years, so many people have come and gone. Whether death came along, or fights, or love, or advice, or whatever, I had people in my life who meant everything to me. And they all pushed me further up that hill. But all it takes is that one person who comes to you and pulls you over that hill. Personally, my… roller coaster pusher(?) came in the form of a boyfriend. Well, not at first. Just some guy that embarrassingly made me blush like no other and eventually got me to spill my guts. That one person pulled me from loneliness and the comfort of ignoring everyone. Which, of course, resulted in drama, and hurt, and uncomfortable situations. But it also turned out to be way more than that. I found my only best friend ever, a lover(imagine I said it in a funny voice so this is less mushy), and someone who made so refreshingly happy. We fight, and have those cute moments where you want to freeze time, there are inside jokes, and there are secrets, and everything else. Quite honestly, it’s exhausting, but it’s brought me to where I am. And it’s so worth every tiring moment, because I have to put myself out there. And he brought me over that hill. And when I look back at that fall, I’m excited, and nervous, and terrified, and happy, and so angry I want to punch whoever is sitting next to me, and I want to laugh, and the wind is making me cry, and I just want to land on my back and let out a breath of every emotion I’m feeling.  I feel everything. I feel two years of challenge and bliss all at once, just like one would feel the bitter-sweet surprise of a massive roller coaster hill. The expectations I had for the fall don’t compare to the result.  And here I am, so much more than I was. I still am that quiet, entirely awkward, girl. But I have memories and experiences and PEOPLE. I’ll always be shy, but I actually look forward to meeting people and talking(sometimes) . My ‘brother’ is back in my life. I have a sister. My family seems more supportive than ever. I have new friends who give me perspective and advice and a good time. And all the acquaintances who don’t know how much I admire them. Those who I keep alive in my heart with their memory. I know people from at least 20 different countries now, 15 states, 5 continents. I just feel so dumb that I was guarded, because the past two years were a surprise, but an incredible one.

As for the boy who took me over the hill, I doubt he realizes how important our relationship has been for me. And I don’t know which direction our relationship will go in the future. I can dream and cross my fingers all I want, but my expectations never become reality. However, my reality never fails to overshadow my hopes in the sweetest of ways, so I have no worries. Everything is worth it in the end. Just like a roller coaster, I have no idea how intense the next hill will be. The path is planned (let’s not get all religious, I’m sure our views are different anyways), all that’s left is to enjoy the ride the best I can. But I’m positive that we must go about things passionately, optimistically, open-mindly(yeah I said  it), and blindly. Imagine how great a roller coaster would be if you couldn’t even see what’s in front of you.

Au Revoir

From meeting my host family, to saying bonjour to my classmates- to skiing, to not drinking soda everyday, to learning French, to dealing with teachers, to shopping, to recipes, to tanning, to 2 hour French and math classes, to 104° weather, to 14° weather, to hiking in Marseille, to riding old presidential cars, to laughing with friends, to drinking wine, to cursing in another language, to crying, to racing in waist-deep mud, to singing, to hot guys, to donkeys, to bowling, to quiche, to castles, to markets, to medival villages, to postcards, to the Easter Bell, to high heels, to MacDo, to houses catching on fire, to pizzerias, to teacher's on strike, to saying goodbye- France has dragged me along through ups and downs. But as we hope all experiences that leave an impression on us turn out, it was the best time of my life.
I'm having a hard time realizing that I am leaving in a week. There are moments when I think I'll be starting school again with everyone else in September, here in France, and then there are times like yesterday when I get home after saying goodbye to friends, and I'm a complete mess. I'm really looking forward to going back home, where I will do things my own way again and I'll see my friends and family. On the other hand, I'm so upset that I won't come here again. A lot of people have told me that I'll come back one day. Well unless you're planning on buying me a plane ticket soon, it won't be the same. Whether or not I ever get to come back here, I am just entirely happy that I had the opportunity to a)be in France b)meet these wonderful people c)learn French.
In reference to A. - It was ALWAYS my dream to go to France, and I must say that it was a pretty awesome dream for a little kid, because it is obviously the best thing I could ever wish for. I love France soooo much and I have nothing against it, whereas I might have had some issues with people(but this would happen in America too). France <3 France <3 France<3!
B.- I met my host family and my friends and so many others who made my experience absolutely amazing! Karl, Elodie, Diane, Marie, Melanie, Antoine, Mr. and Mrs. Bonnin, and all my classmates are definitely the people that had the greatest impact on me and I will never ever forget them.
C.- French is gorgeous. I am positive that I will be accidently speaking French when I get back, and I don't even care. I still have a lot to learn, but I understand everything and write in French. I still have a bit of trouble speaking it fluently, but no biggie. I love FRENCH
I guess this my goodbye to France after the 5 and half months I spent here. They were the best, and sometimes most dramactic, moments of my life. I know that I have changed so much, but it isn't as though I just swapped personalities. I guess I understand myself, now. I have a better idea of who I am and who I want to be. However, there will be subtle(subtle to me at least. I'm sure my brothers will make fun of the new noise I make instead of saying 'I don't know', or the way I shake one of my hands when something shocking happended.) changes in the manner I do things.
So, thanks for everything France! America, I'll see you soon!
Fun Fact- My favorite time of day in France is when I go outside at 6:15 or 6:30PM and sit on the swing. Not only am I on the swing, but from that spot, I can always see a plane that goes by at that time of day. The plane lets out 4 or 5 parachute things almost everyday. I don't know exactly what it is, but I think it is so pretty!

Schedule: Saturday at 5 o'clock in the morning(French time), I get the train to Paris with two other AFSers from Germany and Switzerland. 6 hours later, I'll be in Paris with a million AFSers and I'll spend the night there. The next day, I get my 8 hour plane to the New York, where I'll arrive around 4 or 5PM(American time). Then I'll be going out to dinner with family. <3

2 Month Mark!!

Five days a week, I spend every subject with the same class. I absolutely love my class. Even though I can't talk all the time, considering I'm American, they are always so nice, supportive, and they manage to include me when they can. Oh, they're really funny too! I found out that I only have 8 more weeks of school here in France, and that practically brings me to tears. The thought of leaving my class is awful. It will be a million times more difficult to leave here, than it was to leave the United States. This is because, not only the fact that I will never come back to these people, but I already know that I will become closer to these people that most of the people I knew in the USA. Most days, I'll forget I'm in France, and than one day it'll hit and I'm just so happy! The down side to school here, other than actual schoolwork(imagine that?!), is I can be very lonely sometimes. I tried to explain it one day to a couple of friends when they asked about my life here, and one kid actually laughed when I said that I'm all alone, because he didn't understand how I could be alone when they were there. Sure I have people to do things with and talk to, but I can't talk-talk to them, considering I can't say very much when I am used to being able to talk in English and have people understand me. All the same, I think they will be the group of people that I will have the hardest time saying goodbye to once I actually can get points across. Speaking of all this speaking, today is the 2 month mark and I understand a whole lot more than I did when I first came here! Still working on the talking and writing part, but I definitely understand! I also noticed how I know a lot more vocabulary. When did I ever think I would need to know the French word for 'butterfly'? Apparently, it's pretty important! Yeah, so everything is going good and I ordered American food online. I swear the French go out of their way to make sure they despise anything American that touches their lips, but McDonalds is absolutely fine. Who cannot like Dr. Pepper, peanut butter, Hershey's chocolate, or Pop-Tarts?!?! It is beyond me. Okay, I have to vacuum my room!

I'm Happy, I'm Healthy, I'm Terrific!

"I'm Happy, I'm Healthy, I'm Terrific!" is an XC slogan, hahaha. Felt right for this post!

Today will be a month and 3 weeks that I have been in France.
I really love being here in France and I can already see and feel a difference in myself. I'm happier.  Here, I'm surrounded by the French language 24/7, which is something I have always dreamed of. That alone makes me smile through most of the day and take in every moment of every of boring class. I'm becoming closer to people here, than most of the people I knew in America. Sure a had a few friends that I could call close, but within 2 months, I already know how hard it will be to leave all these people in a place where I'll have changed so much. I'm more confident, slimmer, relaxed, stronger, healthier, more outgoing, and even my skin is better! Although I still want more independence, to the point where I just live on my own, this is definitely a step up. Food has always been a challenge while I am here, because I ache for American food that I'm familiar with, even though I love French food. It's a pointless and bizarre battle with my taste buds. As I'm writing this, I can imagine my family thinking that I am flat out lying, haha. But no. Unfortunately, my family gets to listen to all of my complaints(mainly about foreign food and impossible homework), but this is mainly because I need to say it to someone. Once I've gotten out my frustration, it's much easier to know that somebody slightly understands(as much as you can without going through exchange) what exactly is bothering me. Soon, I might be able to complain in French, and therefore my parents and brothers can hear about my adventures... the good ones. Speaking of family, I'm at that stage where your home in United States isn't really your home anymore, but your house in France really isn't your home either. Basically, I'm without a home, but I don't mind. I can shape here into something I'll want to call a home, so that it will be much happier and right once I can. As a side note, I'm tired ALL THE TIME. Guess that is expected though.
The people in my class are really nice to me. They don't hate me because I suck at basketball, they try to include me in conversations that are far too difficult for me to comprehend, and they don't entirely die with laughter when I eat my meal in the wrong order - entirely. Oh, and they didn't laugh too much when I attempted speaking in Spanish for a script in class(which was a complete fail). It is also hysterical when they sing American songs and don't know the words. I'll try to upload a video to Facebook one of these days. Ummm, I've been complimented on my niceness various times, which always leaves me happy! I've had guys bother me about their sexuality at leat 6 times so far. I've skiied 6 times, as well. Way too boring for me. I slept at the neighbors house. I participated in the Journey du Mauvais Gout(sorry if this is wrong!), which is where you wear ugly clothes to school. I met up with other AFSers one weekend. I visited Lourdes and I will visit Marsaille in 2 weeks! I managed to say I have 3 balls(like on a guy) when I meant cats. Okay, for now, I am tired(like always), so I will stop writing and write again later(which normanlly means in 2 weeks! Oops, sorry! Writing is too boring these days!)! Au revoir!

Pain, not bread!

It's been around a month since I last posted and I have some time today, so I'll write!
School & the class:
School is practically pointless for me, because I understand very little and the teachers expect me know what they are talking about. It's pretty hard to explain to them that I don't know what they are saying during class, in addition to what they are trying to tell me now. My French teacher actually told me that he would give me an easier book to read than the rest of the class, but by the same author. He ended up telling me to read Candide by Voltaire in French! Have you seen the English version!? I have my work cut out for me. Thankfully, once every two weeks, I have a biology class in English and an English language class a couple times every week. English class, right. The teacher is pretty good for a high school English teacher, but that doesn't say very much. As for the students, they are very studious(Imagine that!). They underline words and sentences with rulers, they have multi-colored pens, white-out, and glue handy. It's insane, so I just sit there and free-hand everything. The students are nice, but I'm picking up on the fact that they talk about each other behind their backs a lot. It can be dramatic, but I like watching it unfold- very French. Do not fear, I don't participate(Making us Americans look good). I went to McDonalds with the class the other day and it turns out that they eat SO much. They bought item after item, seeing as a meal wasn't enough. When they finally finished, they said they would have to eat something else at home because they were still hungry! Crazy!
Athletics
I'm starting to run again and I have a bunch of paths I can take. It's really pretty and there are loads of dirt paths with streams. I also went skiing for a week for the first time! I don't feel like elaborating, but it went well! I think the sport is a bit boring though. And guess what?! They have a swing in their yard, which I have been on a million times so far. I just can't resist the urge!
Food:
It's growing on me. I definitely want to emphasize that you should always try things twice! I have tried something and hated it, but tried it again and realized that it tastes better now. So I eat everything, unless it is guacamole! Oh, and cheese is becoming less of an enemy and I look forward eating a new type each day at dinner. Pain(I won't erase it, because I am so happy to realize that I wrote 'pain' instead of 'bread'! 'Pain' is 'bread' in French!!!!) has always been a friend and I eat it 24/7. No complaints there. Oh, and I drink tea all the time, too! And out of a bowl.

In general, I'm getting closer to my family and to the country. It's been over a month, so I'd hope so, but there is a lot more I still need to get used to. I definitely need to become more comfortable with eating when I'm hungry. It's hard understanding when I can have a snack, so I usually stick to eating at meals. Basically, there is a lot I don't understand, but hopefully everything will be cleared up once I improve my French more! Well, anyways, I'm having a great time here and maybe I'll talk about the actual culture soon! But I ran today(with my host mom... and it was hard), so I'm tired. And it's almost dinner time(at 8:00PM), so I'm hungry. Talk soon!

Kicking Back In France, Like the French

There are plenty of differences between America and France that I have already noticed. Different paper, different subjects, different bathrooms, different ways to take notes, keyboards, movie titles, ways to write numbers, fashion, FOOD, and people. I am craving soda and I will probably perish if I don't get my hands on some. I've only had one glass since I've been here, and that is clearly not enough. I love it here- school and the weekends, my new boots, and slowly, but surely, my family. Yet, I desperately miss soda, a Grace special, Munchos, popcorn, and the million snacks I had. Is it sad that I only miss food? If only puppy chow could magically appear in my hands, then I'd be quite satisfied. But, I will prevail with my efforts to be French! I eat, sleep, not really talk, but speak my poor poor poor version of French, like the French! In addition to my many lists, I have met really great people here! Such as the neighbor, my host sister, and the millions of extremely friendly people at school. If only I could speak the language! Speaking of speaking, I totally don't understand the jokes and sarcasm here. (Although I am catching onto the variety of curses) If they spoke English(rather than French), I would have had tons of opportunities to crack myself up with my pathetic responses and attempts at humor. Oh well. Now to get back to failing in school. Oh, and for my friends who have been asking 24/7, hot French guys do exist. And yes, there are a lot of them. Voila. Until next time, Au Revoir!

P.S. - Sorry this is short, I don't have a lot of time!


Addition- because I have time!!- My mistakes and confusions(Always a fun topic)-

1. First, how about this quick conversation(Actually spoken in French, duh.)-
Carl(host dad)- "Are you cold?" Litteral translation... You have cold?
Me- "No, I'm hot." L.T.... No, I am hot.
This resulted in Carl laughing his head off, which is probably the funniest laugh I have ever heard. Apparently, I should have said, "I have hot." If you say "I am hot," it is only meant to be said by guys and I was told I should never say it again. So... still working on figuring out that one.

2. I'll start out by saying that my French sucks, so everything is really hard to understand. Also, some French people are always in a state of hyper-excitedness. Take that into account.-
In line for lunch, there was a group of us waiting. One girl was trying to explain to me that the guy in our class(next to us in line) wasn't a something. I couldn't understand, so the boy said he wasn't "gay... a homosexual. I don't like men." Then the girl goes onto tell me that he only seems like a girl and laughs like a girl. I didn't understand why I would be questioning his sexuality, so I just said stuff like yes, okay, good to know. Hahaha, I was quite confused. Later, I found out his last name is Gay. Now it all makes sense.

3. Also, I called these delicious chocolate filled croissants, Chocotines, when they are called Chocolatines. I didn't think it was that funny, but everyone else did.

4. I also was trying to ask the neighbor how to spell something, and I kept accidently speaking Spanish. We both laughed for long time, blah blah blahfrenchishardblah blah blah.

5. I was asking one girl who was sick if she was sick in her throat( I don't think that is English, but it's Frenchish), as I pointed at my throat for good measure. But I accidently said stomach while my hand was directed to my throat. I didn't even realize my mistake, so she said she was sick in the stomach ad pointed to her stomach. Oh me.

I can't think of more, but there are. Just to let you know a bit more, I'm pretty sure almost nobody understands me with my thick accent, sparse vocabulary, and poor grammar, but oh well! I can't tell tell you how many people I ahve met! Also, I'm be meeting plenty more this weekend, when I go to Bordeaux!! Ooh la la! I do the bisous everyday, and I am still probably really awkward with it, but I'm sure they understand. At least I hope. It's also hard to give the bisous to certain guys, because they are so tall, thank you heels! Speaking of guys, they dress really well here, which is so refreshing! It's not just like they hop out of bed and go to school or wear just jeans and a T-shirt. They actually wear sweaters and scarves and jacket sort of things and all. Even the gusy who come to school with jogging suits(nice ones) have a scarf or something to add to it. Many of you are probably thinking, "They all sound gay." Then I should send pictures, because it's not like that at all. As with the boys, the girls are always well dressed. No sweatpants and sweatshirt or something along those lines. I'm liking this place quite a lot. the school days are long, but I can just walk around the school or go outside if I don't have a class for the hour. So cool! Lunch is awesome, mainly because of the bread. Bread bread bread.Ummm.. and I'm going to a circus this weekend. Enough writing, because a cat is sitting on me and it's really difficult.

Woot Woot!

Almost finished packing (I am a complete procrastinator.)! I leave for New York tomorrow, woot woot!