People, Expectations, and What It’s Worth

So a little over two years ago, I started planning to live out my dream en France. There I was, sitting in my room, budgeting costs and choosing a program. I remember myself so vividly. Quiet, guarded, sad, innocent, naïve, a loner, and so in need of adventure. I was that chick that would take notes in school and hate whenever someone would make conversation about anything, because I was awkward as hell. No best friends, no clique to gossip with. Just ‘kinda friends’ with people I got along with. And I remember thinking to myself that by letting no one in, I’d avoid drama, and hurt, and uncomfortable situations. Granted, I was right. The most drama I ever had was my lab partner not helping with a project, or getting hit in the face with a baseball (which was actually quite dramatic in my opinion). But deep down, I knew I was missing something. What’s life if there’s no one to share it with? SO, that night in my room, it was decided that I would VIVE EN FRANCE. In my eyes, it was a chance to start over and learn and grow. And if you think it was an extended vacation, you are no longer welcome on this blog, ass hole. But yeah, so it was one of the best challenges of my life.

Now this entry isn’t to talk about France necessarily. But it’s to show how it kick-started my somewhat interesting life and to show the change around me and the people I’m so grateful for. (Run-on sentence, oh well)

Alright, so imagine a roller coaster (I know totally cliché, but deal with it). As you’re expecting, that roller coaster represents my life. I spent the majority of my life stuck in line. I showed up in that line with family. Like, my parents, brothers, cousins, grandparents. I finally hopped on when I went to France. So, remember, this would be the first time I would have ever been on a roller coaster, and I have no idea what to expect. Just like when I went to France. I had such crazy expectations. Like, “OMG, Imma have so many stylish bffs and imma kiss French boys allllll day long. I can toats see myself going to cafes and coming back to America with an accent!” HA. Yeah, nope. Just no, no, and no. But you know what? I’m glad it wasn’t like that. My reality was so much better(and realistic). I met all these people who seriously had huge impacts on my morals and thoughts and such. I’m beyond grateful. But that experience only brought me half-way up the first hill, where I was stuck impatiently awaiting something either something dreadful or amazing. I still hadn’t fallen and started my future or had some dramatic growth in my personality or something. But I learned how important people are to me, even if all I did was listen and never speak and they were only strangers.

In the past two years, so many people have come and gone. Whether death came along, or fights, or love, or advice, or whatever, I had people in my life who meant everything to me. And they all pushed me further up that hill. But all it takes is that one person who comes to you and pulls you over that hill. Personally, my… roller coaster pusher(?) came in the form of a boyfriend. Well, not at first. Just some guy that embarrassingly made me blush like no other and eventually got me to spill my guts. That one person pulled me from loneliness and the comfort of ignoring everyone. Which, of course, resulted in drama, and hurt, and uncomfortable situations. But it also turned out to be way more than that. I found my only best friend ever, a lover(imagine I said it in a funny voice so this is less mushy), and someone who made so refreshingly happy. We fight, and have those cute moments where you want to freeze time, there are inside jokes, and there are secrets, and everything else. Quite honestly, it’s exhausting, but it’s brought me to where I am. And it’s so worth every tiring moment, because I have to put myself out there. And he brought me over that hill. And when I look back at that fall, I’m excited, and nervous, and terrified, and happy, and so angry I want to punch whoever is sitting next to me, and I want to laugh, and the wind is making me cry, and I just want to land on my back and let out a breath of every emotion I’m feeling.  I feel everything. I feel two years of challenge and bliss all at once, just like one would feel the bitter-sweet surprise of a massive roller coaster hill. The expectations I had for the fall don’t compare to the result.  And here I am, so much more than I was. I still am that quiet, entirely awkward, girl. But I have memories and experiences and PEOPLE. I’ll always be shy, but I actually look forward to meeting people and talking(sometimes) . My ‘brother’ is back in my life. I have a sister. My family seems more supportive than ever. I have new friends who give me perspective and advice and a good time. And all the acquaintances who don’t know how much I admire them. Those who I keep alive in my heart with their memory. I know people from at least 20 different countries now, 15 states, 5 continents. I just feel so dumb that I was guarded, because the past two years were a surprise, but an incredible one.

As for the boy who took me over the hill, I doubt he realizes how important our relationship has been for me. And I don’t know which direction our relationship will go in the future. I can dream and cross my fingers all I want, but my expectations never become reality. However, my reality never fails to overshadow my hopes in the sweetest of ways, so I have no worries. Everything is worth it in the end. Just like a roller coaster, I have no idea how intense the next hill will be. The path is planned (let’s not get all religious, I’m sure our views are different anyways), all that’s left is to enjoy the ride the best I can. But I’m positive that we must go about things passionately, optimistically, open-mindly(yeah I said  it), and blindly. Imagine how great a roller coaster would be if you couldn’t even see what’s in front of you.